Consider My Life…
Yesterday was kind of a challenging day for all of us. It was Saturday, a day which we have tried to set aside for rest and recreation. We had planned on driving into South Africa and spending some time at a beach in St. Lucia. On Friday afternoon, however, we were contacted by a local business man here in Nsoko. He was offering to donate the meat of a recently killed and butchered kudu. He wanted to give the meat to us to feed the orphans at the carepoints on Saturday. Our plans were quickly re-arranged to accommodate this generous gift, as our services would be needed to coordinate the delivery of meat to the various locations throughout the community. We were excited to be part of it!
After a long day in the hot sun, delivering meat and overseeing the feeding of many children…we were left feeling kind of empty. In our selfish human nature, we wanted to have that ‘fuzzy’ feeling often associated with doing a good deed. After all, we had given up an enjoyable family outing at the beach to do this! We deserved to have some benefit flow from the experience…didn’t we!?
As we sat around the dinner table last evening, we all expressed feeling weary and spent. We admitted to feeling let down by the response of the go-go’s and kids. We are discovering that, in this culture, there is very little outward expression of feelings. The people are quite private…stoic, even. The fact that we don’t speak their language does not help in bridging this gap. We often feel left out of the conversations happening around us. We have not been here near long enough to feel as though we belong. The question looms…will we ever feel that way?
Another lesson learned yesterday was that this is a community where “less” truly is just “less” and a lack of resources lends itself to a constant fear of never having enough. What this has meant, in the past, is that when missionaries and/or outsiders show up – they usually come bearing “gifts” and things to fill in those gaps. This has, probably inadvertently, created a sense of expectancy. Where expectancy resides, gratitude is hard to muster.
In de-briefing the events of yesterday, we each had to come to terms with our own expectations. We had to confess that we had been looking for the reward and expecting it to come immediately. I have to admit, that when I examined this in myself…it was unbecoming. It was ugly. It made me back up and re-assess my own motives for being here in the first place! Why are we here in Swaziland? Is it to feel good about ourselves? Or, is it to bring the truth and love of Jesus Christ to a community that so desperately needs to understand? Are we feeding mouths and expecting accolades? – OR- Are we feeding souls for eternal salvation and giving all the glory to the One who makes that possible?
If it is not the latter, honestly, we might as well go home tomorrow. If we are here to feel something positive about our own selves, we have no business staying here another day. Frankly, how we feel about it really doesn’t matter. Comfort, safety, warm-fuzzies, satisfaction and enjoyment are not values of the Kingdom of God…they are gods of another kingdom. We are having to die to those remnants of self, daily. They do not go quietly! The flesh will not release them without a fight!
As we continue to discern a place here, serving long term, these battles rage on. We are having to re-train our minds and re-focus our hearts on the things of God’s Kingdom. We do not always do this well and yesterday was a reminder to all of us how far we have to go!
I have been reading through Acts. This morning, I found myself in chapter 20, and know the timing of this reading was no coincidence:
“However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me – the task of testifying to the gospel of God’s grace…Keep watch over yourselves and all the flock of which the Holy Spirit has made you overseers. Be shepherds of the church of God, which he bought with his own blood.” Acts 20:24&28
Through these words, the Lord seemed to be saying: “It is not about you. It is not about how you feel or don’t feel. It is about my Kingdom and my Son. How do you think I feel when I give good gifts to my children and receive nothing in return? How did my Son feel as He gave the gift of His own life and yet was rejected and mocked? Do not grow weary. Pay no attention to how you are feeling, only pay attention to what I am telling you. Listen to my voice and follow my commands and you will have all that you need. I promise you…the reward will come. It won’t look like you expect it to look. It certainly won’t feel the way you expect it to feel. It won’t come when you expect it to come. However , trust me in this…it will come.”
