I find that my fingers have a hard time stroking the keyboard this morning. Even though my heart is bursting and my mind is racing I am having a difficult time getting those thoughts and emotions down into words. In some ways I feel as though I am breaking the silence from this blog. For those of you who follow it regularly you know that two months between posts is a very long time for me. I could give all kinds of excuses but the most simple way to put it: I haven’t had anything to say. I guess that isn’t completely the truth. I’ve had lots to say, I just haven’t known how to say it.
In October our family made the decision to leave Swaziland and return to the United States at the end of February. We had been wrestling with that decision for several months. We spent many hours as a family praying and discussing what it would mean to stay in Swaziland and what it would mean to leave Swaziland. While coming to the decision was anything but easy, we all feel at peace that leaving is the right decision for us. We feel released from the call here and we are trusting the Lord to lead us.
Since making that decision public I have had many conflicting emotions. At times, doubt creeps in that it really is time to go. In some ways it feels like we are just starting to understand how things work here and now we are leaving. There has been a fair amount of grieving, already, as we consider leaving this place. The people we have grown to care for so deeply will continue on here, in many cases they will continue leading lives that are full of hardship. Walking alongside that suffering has been painful, but at the same time it has been – somehow – rich. In the darkest moments, cynicism comes in. Have we really done anything good at all? Has our being here these 2 years made a difference? What was the point?
Last week we delivered monthly food provisions to two women (gogos) we have cared for during our time here. As a family we go each month with food, candles, oil, soap and other provisions they need to care for themselves and the grandchildren on their homesteads. Our visits to these two homesteads have been some of the most wonderful and formational experiences we have had as a family these past two years. They teach us so much about gratitude, faith, strength and humility. We’ve laughed. We’ve cried. We’ve prayed. We’ve listened to their stories. We’ve shared dreams. We’ve sung songs. More than anything we’ve understood in a direct and tangible way what Jesus meant when He talked about the ” least of these” inheriting the riches of His Kingdom.
During our visit last week we had to discuss with the women that after next month we won’t be bringing provisions to them anymore. Of course, we had already talked about this with them but time is running short on our time here now and there is an end in sight so we had to address it again. We told them we will pray for the Lord to design another way to meet their needs, as we trust He will. God has been The Provider and Protector all along…we’ve just had the blessing of getting in the middle of it for a couple years. God will be the Provider and Protector moving forward. The question isn’t if, the question is how? These women are both in communities. They both have extended family. They both are connected to a church. This brings me back to those dark moments when I ask myself: Did we really help these women?
The longer we’ve been here, the more difficult it has been to distinguish between helping and hurting. It is not easy to know what is helping and what is hurting. Have we short-circuited the process of the family stepping up or the community gathering around or the church reaching out? I don’t know. All I know is that for the past two years we have been the community, we have been the family, we have been the church, in part, to these two women. I find peace in that when my heart is open to the Holy Spirit whispering to the cynic in me…“TRUST ME!” We all are humbled at the responses of both women, on separate occasions through their tears and sadness as they say: “God will make a way…”
The reason these women have such unbelievable, deep faith is because everything else around them and everyone else around them has failed them…except HIM. They know from where their hope comes. They know from Whom their provision flows. They know this because they have tasted and discovered He is good; all the time. He is trustworthy. He is faithful. He remains.
There is great relief and comfort in knowing that even when we leave, He remains.
It has never been about us…it has always been about Him. At times, God forgive me, I have made it too much about me. That is, after all, the human condition. We want to matter. We want to do something “big” for God.
In some ways, that has been the biggest revelation to me during this time in Swaziland. God doesn’t really need me to do anything. He invites me in to shape His plan and His purpose, but He is the Almighty, Sovereign Author of Life. I am His creation. Anything good that may flow from my life is still all Him! Anything “big” He may produce from the events of our lives is always in spite of ourselves, isn’t it? How else can we explain extraordinary things pouring out of ordinary people? Goodness flowing from flawed beings?
The biggest lie the enemy of our souls would have us believe is that it is about us! That goes all the way back to the Garden of Eden; wanting to reach for the forbidden fruit of claiming to have the knowledge that has only ever been God’s to possess..never ours!
That’s not to say we don’t have work to do. There is always work to be done. It just usually begins and ends in our own hearts, because there is just so much work to be done in there! Even when we are feeding the hungry and praying with the sick and bringing hope to the hopeless…the work has to begin in me. There is always something God is trying to show me in the face of a fatherless child, the eyes of a person dying from AIDS, the tears of a widow who has buried all of her children, the shame of a girl who has been raped by her teacher, the desperation of the mother who sells her body for bread to feed her children, the hopelessness in the eyes of the man who can’t find work to support his family.
God is showing me the depth of my own depravity, my own orphan spirit, my own desperation, and my own shame. He is showing me the reason He simply had to come down! How amazing that He is teaching me this lesson during this season of Advent. He simply had to come down! There was no other way to release us; no other way to heal us; no other way to save us! We are hopeless without Him. We are trapped in a prison of our own design. A prison of believing we matter more than we actually do. Or, for some…that we don’t matter at all. To me, this is the greatest gift I could have received this year. The gift of knowing I matter, not in my efforts or my attempts at significance but, rather, where those efforts and attempts come up short and grasp out with desperate hands for the hand of God. When my failed plans intersect with God’s perfect plan. Until the day I breathe my last breath it will always be about my lack meeting His supply; about my emptiness being filled by His abundance. He came down in the baby Jesus. He comes down in the Holy Spirit. He will come down again in the risen Lord’s triumphant return when all will be made right in creation and finally all of this will make sense.
He simply had to come…and He simply has to come back…
May that simple truth bless you and encourage you this Christmas and in the days to come!
Amen! I love you Jen, and I love God for inviting us into His story. May His peace fill you today.
Jen,
Good Stuff!, (as a former pastor friend was fond of saying)
Thanks for sharing. Some deep thoughts to continue to ponder for me:
1) It is not easy to know what is helping and what is hurting.
2) God doesn’t really need me to do anything. He invites me in to shape His plan and His purpose
Have a Blessed Christmas there is Swaziland!
Jen, again, you have such a gift to express your feelings!! We are so proud of you.We too, are so gratefull that HE came down and will return. Love, Mom & Dad
Jen-
Once again, your words just flow and tell a beautiful story! The cool part is that your family is the one in the story…I love that!
Keep writing, girl. You have a wonderful gift!
I love you…
Merry Christmas…
Karla
Thanks Jen – so true. I am blessed.
The two years you invested in Swaziland will bring more dividends than you can understand now. In all our mission trips, we were given a BIGGER view of God…He has been there all along and has been giving His people peace, joy, and hope in the midst of terrible physical limitations and persecutions. It gave us realization of the darkness of sin and those that do not value people as creations of God. The leaders of so many countries are so full of self and greed…their subjects are only there to serve them. We have appreciated the freedoms we enjoy here in the USA and wish the Judeo-Christian ethic were understood by leaders in other countries. We need to pray for that world-wide revival to happen. Only God’s spirit can change hearts and make living conditions better for His people. We will pray that you feel God’s arms around you to give you His peace and comfort as you leave Swaziland. You’ve done what He wanted you to do. Come back renewed and ready to share. Trust that He has the perfect position for you wherever in the USA that could be.
Christmas reminds us how much God cares for us…and gives us JOY! Continued blessings in the coming year…remember, too, it’s a DAILY walk of TRUST.
Love you. Praying peace to flow over you and love to fill you in the name of Jesus!
Jen –
After seeing what your family has been involved with, I have a clearer picture of your struggle. You have planted many seeds, with God’s help, that will flourish, again with His almighty power!
Have a Blessed Christmas and we will see you when you get back!
It was worth the wait. What a wonderful post.
Jen, God has given you such a gift in your writing. You always give us so much to learn from. Thank you so much.
You have planted many seeds, not only in Swaziland, but in the hearts & lives of everyone who knows you.
God has a plan for all of your family. Our timing & His timing neverseem to be the same,but he is never to early or to late. Can’t wait to see you all when I get back in April.
Love You All,
Dawn
Eric,
Well said as you convey your innermost thoughts and feelings. We will pray that God shows another path to providing material supplies to those you have watched over. Thanks for sharing! Merry Christmas to you all and God bless!
Correction to above…meant Jen. Blessings to you all!
Eme