As the Lord continues to grow and stretch me, I find myself trying at times to cling to old methods of coping. Even when those methods have proven time and time again not to be beneficial to my own well-being or that of my family. I struggle with this, at times; this having to deal over and over again with the same sin patterns. When I read passages in Scripture such as:
“Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires.” Galatians 5:24
-and-
“For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin – because anyone who has died has been freed from sin.” Romans 6:6-7
When I read these passages I long to feel more triumphant over my weaknesses; expecting to experience the sweet taste of victory on my tongue. Why, then, why do I keep peeking into the same dusty, moldy, dark corners of my soul? Why do I revert to arrogance rather than bow in humility? Why do I snap and snarl defensively at those who poke at my ideals and beliefs rather then extend grace? Why does anger pour out of my mouth more quickly than compassion and understanding? Why does fear seem to multiply within my spirit, crushing faith and challenging my convictions? Why have I sometimes chosen to anesthetize myself to these emotions rather than embrace them and allow myself to grow through them?
I guess as I read further in the Romans 6 passage, I can answer (at least partially) my own questions:
“Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. For we know that since Christ was raised from the dead, he cannot die again; death no longer has mastery over him. The death he died, he died to sin once for all; but the life he lives, he lives to God. In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. Therefore, do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. Do not offer the parts of your body to sin, as instruments of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God, as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer the parts of your body to him as instruments of righteousness.” (vs. 8-13)
I find in these words that I am waiting to die…to my sin. I don’t question my salvation but I am stumbling through my sanctification. There are really no shortcuts on that journey. It brings to mind the Israelites and the many stages of their journey following their exodus from Egypt en route to the Promised Land. Moses was told to record all of their many twists and turns and campsites along the way. (see Numbers 33) Not just for a historical record, I doubt. More likely, the documentation was to serve as a reminder of where the Israelites had come from, what they went through and what it took to make it to their destination. Perhaps, to avoid making the same mistakes in the future?
I can look back over my own “map” of years and see times when I have chosen to camp in places of love, peace, joy, mercy, self-control. Too often, though, I am reminded of times I have over-stayed my welcome in pits of anxiety, bitterness, anger, and self-pity.
That is probably why journaling and blogging are such helpful tools for spiritual growth and development. It allows the author to go back and remember…perhaps re-learn some things. As I look back over the wanderings I have found myself on lately I realize a few things:
1. God is good. His way is perfect.
2. I am flawed. My way is less than perfect.
3. Items #1 and #2 are intricately connected because of grace.
Today I choose to offer myself up to God…take the parts of me that need to be crucified again and have your way with them, Lord! Search me and know me, Father! Create a clean heart and a pure spirit in me. I am waiting to die, to my self and rise again in you, Lord Jesus! Fully alive and whole! Fully arrived at last…
“To him who overcomes, I will give some of the hidden manna. I will also give him a white stone with a new name written on it, known only to him who receives it. ”
Revelation 2:17
Praying for you, Jen. GOD is good and his ways are perfect….you are on the right path….keep walking, running and leaping….
Love to you!
Karla
Love this post! So helpful to me. Incredibly glad to be struggling on this journey of life with you by my side 🙂 You’ve come SO FAR Jen! God is well pleased with you.
Thank you Karla! You are such a faithful friend and prayer warrior and I love you!
Eric…what can I say? You are my most precious gift in this life and there is no one else I would rather be wandering around with! xoxo
Thanks, Jen, for your honest account of the struggle we share to live the life Christ calls us to. We are so blessed to be held accountable! Where else in this world are we encouraged to continually raise the level of our lives and practice but in our engagement with Spirit of God. That is such a very good thing! Hard, sometimes, but infinitely good. Thanks for reminding me:-)
great blog mom, love the pic 🙂