These past six weeks or so have been the hardest weeks of my life. I came back to Swaziland fully expecting things to be challenging and tough. I understood that leaving one’s home, one’s friends and family, and all things familiar was not going to be easy. What I didn’t anticipate was what I have been experiencing. Doubt. Depression. Anger. Fear. Darkness. Despair. Attack.
I have a wonderful friend here in Swaziland. She has lived here for the past twenty years; doing ministry similar in many ways to the work we are doing in Nsoko. We go to Bible Study each Wednesday evening at her home. Last week I shared some of what I was feeling…not all of it, because if I let all of what I am feeling come to the surface I become a blubbering mess of sobs and tears. I was embraced by the group and felt lifted up and encouraged. However, as we were getting into our car, my dear and very direct friend took me into her arms and looked me in the eye. She said: “You underestimated culture shock, Jen! What you are feeling is completely natural.” Culture shock?? Me? No way…
After all, it was my idea to come here, wasn’t it? I’m the one who upset the apple cart of our comfortable life in America and insisted we must move to Africa and take care of widows and orphans, right? Right?!?!
Sunday afternoon I decided to take some time and research this ‘culture shock’. Truly, I had come to the conclusion that I must be going completely crazy and I would have to be airlifted out of Swaziland and delivered straight to Bellevue or Freud’s birthplace or wherever there was a team of professionals awaiting my arrival! Does our missionary insurance cover that, I wonder? (note to self: will have to check on this…)
C-U-L-T-U-R-E S-H-O-C-K I typed into my Google search engine. As I sifted through the massive amounts of information instantly delivered to me, I came upon some very interesting stuff! I was especially drawn to a website sponsored by Southern Nazarene University. I moved through pages and pages of information on the topic of missions and culture shock. There were eleven signs/symptoms of culture shock identified:
*Unwarranted criticism of the culture and people
*Heightened irritability
*Constant complaints of the climate
*Continual offering of excuses for staying indoors
*Utopian ideas concerning one’s previous culture
*Continuous concern about the purity of water and food
*Fear of touching local people
*Refusal to learn the language
*Preoccupation about being robbed or cheated
*Pressing desire to talk with people who “really make sense”
*Preoccupation with returning home
Without divulging too much incriminating evidence against myself, let me just say: I identified with seven out of the eleven symptoms! Can I tell you…tears poured down my face as I came to the realization that I wasn’t slipping into insanity! I am going through a natural thing that enough other ‘well-meaning’ folks have gone through to warrant someone making a list of identified symptoms! Why wasn’t I prepared for this? Why didn’t someone tell me? Maybe someone tried…why didn’t I listen?
I guess the only defense I have is that I was so focused on the call that I paid very little attention to the cost.
I thought the cost was obvious. We sold our house. We sold or gave away at least half of our worldy possessions. Eric left a career he was passionate about. We all left a church that we loved. Claire and Jacob left their beloved school and friends. We all said good bye to family. We walked away from a comfortable, pretty nice life! Yeah…the cost was clear.
Perhaps I had become too clear on the cost…could it be that I actually allowed the cost to become an idol in my life? After all, look at what we gave up to do this work…
Yeah….
…I know….
….ugly
What God is growing in me is a realization that after everyone else becomes tired of hearing about what I have given up to do this work…after I am through telling the story and counting the cost…there comes a time to ask one huge question:
“WHY?”
Why did we choose to do this? What was our true motivation?
If our true motivation was to enter a life that resembled the life of Christ…then what did I expect?
Why didn’t I expect pain?
lonliness?
misunderstanding?
suffering?
alienation?
culture shock?
I don’t have an answer to this today. All I have is honesty and willlingness to put my heart out there for people to see…and possibly judge. That’s OK.
I’m working it out.
Isn’t that what we are doing in this life?
Working it out…with fear and trembling?
Last night, as Eric held me and let me cry it out, he lovingly reminded me of this:
“Claire, Jake and I did not follow you here…we followed God. He made it clear that we all belong here in Swaziland.”
As I heard those words, I felt a weight being removed from my shoulders and off of my heart. I do not have the freedom of saying or believing that somehow I am responsible for getting our family here! I can’t take credit or blame for it! I didn’t upset the apple cart…
The call came from the Lord…
The junk I am going through is not from the Lord…
God is good….and faithful…
He holds me in His arms and lets me cry it out…but then He whispers into my soul…
“Beloved…it is not about you…it was never about you…I love you with an unfailing love, but this was never about you…”
Jen-
I love you for doing what you are doing and for being so honest about how you are feeling. I am going to pray that this “culture shock” moves through you very quickly and that you feel a peace that only GOD can give you.
(((Hugs)))
Karla
Jen,
Thank you for your unvarnished honesty and vulnerability. What you are doing in Nsoko is amazing, and clearly of the Lord. The fact that the cost is higher than perhaps anticipated actually affirms that God has placed you right where you are supposed to be. God’s “economy” oftentimes baffles me, frequently frustrates me, and – in those rare moments when I actually believe I am close to having the mind of Christ – humbles me in ways I would never have imagined. Please know that you have a small (actually a sizable) army of folks praying for you, and for Eric, Claire and Jacob, and all you minister to in Christ’s name, every day. We can’t reach out and hug you in a physical sense but we hug you every day in a spiritual sense. You are loved beyond measure – by God and by His people. Hang in there!
Mike
That’s my girl! Now you’ve got it! This mornning I read about quantum leaps of faith. That’s what you and Eric and the kids have taken. You let go of what’s safe, predictable and comfortable…..leaping and trusting that Jesus will catch you. “if He’s the one that called you, believe and know He is wating with open arms”. I love you!
Amen to what Mike clearly stated! We are with you and behind and lifting you up 100%! We wish we could be there to walk this path with you, but we’re serving the Lord right where WE are, too! And we need your prayers for us just like you need ours. We are the body of Christ!
Love you so much, thanks for your honesty, sister.
Jen,
What you guys have done is to follow God’s call on your life unconditionally! This is no easy feat. But whenever we jump into God’s call unconditionally, Satan cannot stand it. He starts to try to unravel things one doubt at a time. I find that as soon as I realize what is really happening and that Satan is trying to take the helm, it makes me only more determined to kick him to the curb! I know it is not easy, what you guys are doing, but you are doing the right thing. As was mentioned in several of the comments above, there are many, many people praying for you guys every single day. You would be blown away if you really could count everyone that is praying for you guys and all of the teams in Swaziland. God bless all of you!
Dear Jen,
Thank you for sharing your vulnerability and doubts. I think what you are doing is incredible and so brave and so scary. I love what Eric said to you and the comfort you found in that. You guys are doing what we all are called to do, but too chicken. My Mike doesn’t even like going to London due to culture shock…I can’t imagine what you must be feeling in Swaziland. Give yourself lots of grace and know that we will be praying for God to lift your spirits and for this darkness to pass. I didn’t even like moving to Seattle, and only found it tolerable after a year. We love you and miss you and think of you so warmly. Barb
Thank you for the honesty. My heart hurts for you. I do believe it to be a season. I am anxious to see you and spend some time. Love and prayers-Marcia
jen… thank you for your honesty. praying that this season is quick! and for your whole family- we love you!
We had to stop crying so we could see to type. When you guys hurt, we hurt!!!We miss you too. However, we are so sure that you are exactly where God wants you right now. We trust HE WILL get you through this time. Hang in ther and be assurred the prayers are bombarding God all the time!!! we love and miss you all and are excited to be making plans to come visit!!Love Mom.Dad,Nana & Papa
Jen, Thanks for being so honest!
A few years ago, problems and struggles with our project in Uganda led us to talk with dear friends who had been missionaries to S. Africa (and who had actually visited our project/school in Uganda). I’ll never forget Linda saying, “You have entered in to the suffering of Christ!” Somehow that insight made things better….didn’t change anything but the perspective changed everything.
Much blessed advice above. I can’t add to it but I can add a knowing – an empathetic sitting in silence, even from a distance. You are not alone.
I think I went through culture shock just living in Florida. Thank you for the reminder that the place I grew up may not be as utopian as I think, even if I do have a sneeky suspision the people are nicer there. What a great reminder God has a plan and purpose for us wherever we are planted. My prayers are with you.
Eph. 2:10 For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.
Hi Jen and family
I haven’t responded to your blog for a while, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t been reading every blog. After reading “What am I doing here?” I just had to let you know how much we support you. I remember a few years ago when our daughter was going through a difficult time and we were in Florida for the winter. My daughter and I felt so alone, separated and such an ache in our hearts. We spent a lot of time on the phone and email, but I just wanted to hug her. I could have driven to her in two days, I could have flown home in a few hours, but I knew this was something she had to work out herself and I could only support her with my prayers and love. Although there was a lot of pain God worked it out beautifully.
Now I know the pain we went through is only minimal compared to the culture shock you are going through. But someone has said that knowing what you are battling against is half of the battle. I would say you have been able to identify what is causing your pain, and now we also know how to support you as you work through the culture shock!
You are and will be supported in prayer by your christian family all over the world. “May God bless his called ones (the Petersons) in their following of His call and the biggest culture shock of their lives!
At first my heart hurt for you then as I continued reading I knew that you were going to be OK and just had to work things out. I know that you have a loving family at your side and God is your biggest champion. Know that you have family and friends keeping all of you in their prayers. Love and God’s Blessings.
Aunt Marilyn
Thank you for sharing honestly and openly. You need this, and we need to hear this too. God bless you as you work out your faith (and faithfulness) in Swaziland.
Aah, blessed culture shock. Short-termers can avoid it, but rare for long-termers to sneak by it. Was reading the blog of one of our past Haiti participants. She has a 2 yr assignment in Peru now and was shocked and surprised about how many tears she was shedding since she wanted this Peru job and knows it’s a blessing sent from God. Nonetheless, here are a few things she wrote that struck me and I pray minister to you.
The first is a quote from Anatole France:
“All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.”
That helps put in perspective what you’re going through.
Here’s some other thoughts she shared:
CS Lewis wrote: “We’re not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.” And there’s the rub. Following God doesn’t keep us from pain, sometimes it leads us straight to it. His faithfulness doesn’t always protect us from hurt, but in our hurt He is always faithful. His unfailing love is our comfort (Psalm 119:76). We have His promise that He will not leave us or forsake us. He will carry us through, and comfort us when we hurt. “I, even I, am he who comforts you.” – Isaiah 51:12