OK! So, I am going to confess something that I am not proud of. I have been in denial about this for a while now and I want to get it out in the open so that God can have it, refine it, get rid of it or use it to grow me more into the person He desires for me to be. I am terribly selfish! There I said it…no need for the “AMEN” chorus to kick in.
I want what I want, when I want it…now! I am not a very patient person, by nature. I like nice things. I enjoy being comfortable. I love making other people comfortable (ie: my husband and kids)
Stripping my life of certain comforts has been a challenge for me. Watching my kids strip their lives of certain comforts has been brutal! (they, however, have been fine…for the most part!)
Sunday, on the way to worship, Eric looked at me and said “I am just realizing how much I am going to miss going to our church.” It hit me, too. We are part of an awesome church body! Eric is not just leaving a career in youth ministry, we all are leaving a congregation of brother and sisters in Christ whom we love. Friends. Good friends… This is tough stuff!
As we give away many of our earthly posessions and pack away the rest into boxes…it is easy (and natural, I suppose) to feel the sting of loss. Several times over the past few days I found my eyes welling with tears and my heart ache a bit for things we are giving up to go to Africa. Even though, at this point, we are only making a three month commitment…in my heart I believe the changes we are making will remain; regardless of where we call “home”.
We have been visiting many friends and family over the past several weeks. The time together seems so much more precious, somehow. The realization of how much we have taken for granted up to this point is almost palpable. It is humbling to expose the depth of entitlement we have allowed to take root in our lives in contrast to the amount of gratitude pouring out of our hearts. No comparison…really.
Then, last night, Eric shared a passage from a book he was given from a student. She said the book, Following Jesus Through The Eye Of The Needle:Living Fully, Loving Dangerously by Kent Annan, reminded her of our family. It is about the author and his family, who left their comfortable and predictable life to go serve in Haiti. The passage that Eric read to me was of a little Haitian boy who grabbed a page from a magazine out of a fire. What someone threw away as trash, to be burned, this child claimed as treasure! A useless piece of glossy newsprint became this boy’s prize posession. The boy said of the scrap of paper: “It’s special. Sometimes I can take it out and look at it, and it will make me happy.”
Anyway…yesterday was not my best day. I needed that red “EASY” button that they show on TV. No, what I needed was a loving reminder from above that what I deem as sacrifice, FATHER would call obedience. What I believe to be hard, FATHER would call discipline. What I regard as suffering, FATHER would look at as an opportunity to show me HIS power.
Like any good parent, our God desires His kids to grow and develop into mature adults. Unlike earthly parents, however, we were never meant to out-grow our need for God. We were created to continue growing in need for MORE of Him. He loves us so much that He is willing to go through the pain of watching us become uncomfortable in our suffering, enough, to get us to move into the promised abundance of eternity with Him. He establishes boundaries for His kids; not to abuse His power or deprive us of anything. Rather, to keep us safe and close enough that we never wander so far away that we no longer hear His voice. He doesn’t back away from sacrifice. He created sacrifice. He gave His Son to demonstrate how deep and wide is His love for us. This sacrifice tore His heart so deeply and caused such incredible pain, that He had to look away from His precious Son on the cross. “God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.” 2 Corinthians 5:21
What do I know of sacrifice? How much have I really had to give up? How much more will be required to live a life that transforms and redeems all that it touches? Isn’t it really more being set free than giving up anything? How much surrender until the following can be said of my life:
“Thanks be to God that, though you used to be slaves to sin, you wholeheartedly obeyed the form of teaching to which you were entrusted. You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness.” Romans 6:17-18
Thank you for sharing your heart, Jen. This helps us to pray a specific prayer for you at this given time. I am amazed at your maturity in such a tough “change” in your lives. Plus, you are not only carrying your own “dealing with this” but the kids and Eric as well (us Mom’s do that!). I’ll continue to pray that God carries you through these next few weeks and months….keep strong, Jen! I love you!
Thanks Jen for the words on your heart, God does awesome things in our live when we are obediant and listen to what he has to say.
Jen, what you are doing falls right into what our pastor has preached about the past couple of weeks… being a true disciple, taking up your cross and following Him no matter what the cost (Matt. 16:24-30). God must be so proud of you right now!! Although it may sting a little while doing it, you will be rewarded so richly. I wish I was as brave and obedient as you are being. You and your family will be in our thoughts and prayers while you are seeking to do the Lord’s work in Swaziland! Love you!!
Jen – You will be missed but it is so amazing to me to see your heart and faithfulness throughout this whole process! I can’t wait to hear what God has to unfold for you yet!
Praying for you guys!
loved reading this! Thanks for the honesty. It is always best to reveal what your going through. I appreciated your wisdom and insight too. So excited for you guys — going after it. 🙂
what a great video! god’s word does shine in the faces of those beautiful people. we have been to uganda twice and once to ghana and have experienced the joy that god gives. they are rich in his spirit! you will be enriched yourselves as you minister to them. we pray that god will bless all of you as you serve him in swaziland…what an opportunity to meet needs in his name. keep up those wonderful notes and let us know of the joys and sorrows you will experience in the next few months! you will be in our prayers!
Thanks you guys..Karla and Jim you are both a couple of those “good friends” I referred to. You will be dearly missed…