Is This Love?
I received a phone call today that will remain in my heart for a long time. It was a young lady who I have grown to love very much. She is a mother to two young boys, both from different fathers. The father of her youngest son asked her to marry her a few months ago. They were married in December and are living in a small village approximately an hour and a half from here. She called me today to ask if I could help her to provide for her older son. Since this boy (age 5) was the result of a relationship with a different father, this young woman’s new husband has no interest or self- perceived responsibility for the welfare of the older boy. Even though he claims to love the boy’s mother and is the father of this boy’s brother, he refuses to allow the 5 year old to live with his new family and denies any financial support for food, health care, clothing or schooling for the older boy. Sadly, this is a very culturally acceptable stance and (even more sad) a very common situation around here. Is this love? How could a young woman accept as sincere the love of a man who impregnated her, yet, refuses to recognize the existence or care of an older child? A child who is now in the care of an over-extended and tired grandmother who finds herself responsible for raising this and other grandchildren on her homestead. A story that repeats itself over and over and over here in Swaziland.
My anger and disgust towards this young man overpowered my softness and care for the young mother on the other end of this phone call. “This has to end! These men need to take responsiblity for the women they claim to love, the children they bring into this world and the other children that depend on that woman! If you don’t want to take in children from another man than don’t have sex with a woman unless you are married to her! While we are talking about it…hey, ladies…yeah…you know what I’m trying to say…”
Yeah, I kind of went off on a holy high horse…in my mind…
…I didn’t actually say any of those words out loud (does that really matter?) but the one word I did say was: NO
What the young mother asking for help heard is “NO”…
What I am actually saying is: “I want your husband to step up and be a man!” “I don’t believe giving you money today will actually be helping you!” “I want your kids to experience what it feels like for a father to care for them” “I have nothing left to give you…I’m so sorry…”
It happens here, sometimes…
You grow tired of trying to do the right thing amongst so much brokenness…you become weary of arguing one culture over another…you realize your own limitations in grace and forgiveness. Sometimes, in an attempt to not hurt by helping you forget to help at all…
It is a constant struggle.
Is THIS love??
