About five years ago I was asked to speak at a women’s retreat. I planned to share my story, which is not always an easy thing to do. Threads of depression, anxiety, addictive behavior and suicidal thoughts don’t weave a very appealing tapestry! I knew God wanted me to share my testimony with these women; I trusted that He was going to use the painful periods of my life to encourage at least one of the ladies that weekend. I was willing to be transparent if the outcome would be to help break the chains of bondage for even one participant.
The night before I was scheduled to speak, my insecurities went into overdrive. Doubt and fear crept in, disturbing my ability to rest. I woke up in a cold sweat, my heart pounded in my chest and I sensed an oppressive presence of darkness and evil in the room with me. Terrifying. I did not have a roommate, so I began to pray out loud. I had just finished reading a book that teaches the power in speaking the name of Jesus. So I just started whispering His name, over and over again. “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus…” Slowly, I began to experience a slight warmth come over my body. My voice grew stronger. I decided I had nothing to lose as I grew bolder with my voice. “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus….” After several moments of crying out I started to relax and felt as though I could go to sleep. I closed my eyes and continued to pray aloud. I looked towards the door of my room and saw the following vision: blood framed the doorway. I have never experienced anything like this before, yet, it did not frighten me. I felt completely at peace. What I believe the Lord was saying to me in that moment was: “I have set you apart and am calling you out.” I wrote that in the margin of my Bible at the side of the bed and was then able to drift into a very sweet, very deep sleep. I awoke the following morning sure of what I had seen and ready to share my testimony but never tell anyone what had happened the night before! It seemed too bizarre and strange to say out loud.
And actually, I didn’t share it with anyone until over a year later when Eric and I were on a spiritual retreat with AIM in Gainesville, GA. The focus of the retreat was breakthrough and spiritual healing. The key verse for the weekend was Ephesians 2:10: “For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so that we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.” We came to the retreat with expectant hearts, knowing that God had something to say to us. We had been at a ‘stand-still’ in our family life and our spiritual life. We sensed a change was on the horizon, but we had no idea how to grasp it or even how to define what it was! The weekend was a turning point in our lives. We were set free from areas of pain and bondage that had managed to tangle and entwine themselves among the very roots of our marriage and family. One of the most powerful experiences of the weekend was a silent grief exercise. We were told to get on a bus where we were driven to a lake-side park in silence. We were instructed to stay completely silent for the duration of the afternoon. We were encouraged to find a solitary location somewhere in the park and allow the Lord to release us from any areas of grief or past experiences that might be holding us back from what He has planned for us. We were allowed to bring a Bible, a journal, a pen and a blanket. We were invited to open the experience with the following prayer: “God, please reveal who I really am…”
This was a problem for me. I knew who I really was…or at least I thought I knew. I knew who I had defined myself to be and I was not ready to spend an entire afternoon examining that! After all, I had spent many hours in therapists’ offices talking about the wounds left behind by a father who left before I was old enough not to believe it was somehow my fault; talking about the shame and pain of being part of a ‘broken’ family before it was considered common place and cliche; the emotional scars left by cheap and abusive relationships in desperate attempts to feel loved and cherished.
I began to write in my journal and write and write and write…it seemed something broke open inside me. My heart and soul seemed to spill out onto the page in a way like never before. There were a few moments where I hesitated to write down what was swirling around in my head, it was just too raw; but I pushed through it. In fact, at one point in my journal I wrote: “He can handle it! It is no longer mine to have…” After almost an hour of writing, crying, and purging my emotions I came to an amazing realization! I re-read the journal entry from that day recently and the following sentence jumped off the page: “I have been loving out of a broken heart!”
As I finished the pages and pages of writing in my journal that day, waves of emotion crashed over me. Sadness. Anger. Fear. Despair. Shame. Regret. I just let each one envelope me. Grief. Sorrow. Bitterness…Deep sobs wracked my body. Tears flowed endlessly down my cheeks. I was lying on a blanket, in the grass, by a lake in Georgia completely coming undone! Until, suddenly my heart quickened and new waves started overtaking me. Peace. Comfort. Joy. Serenity. Belonging. Acceptance. Love wrapped Himself around me in a holy embrace. My Abba-daddy God poured a healing balm on my head that day and I felt it as true and as real as anything I’ve ever experienced before!
That night, Eric and I prayed together and we shared our experiences at the lake. We cried and held one another. We prayed. We rejoiced as our hearts were mended together and we asked God to seal the work He had done that day. I finally told Eric about the vision I had experienced months earlier and that I believed God was preparing us for something new, something big, something bold! We vowed, that night, that whatever God asked us to do we would do! Wherever God told us to go, we would go…in faith, knowing HE would meet us there!
Four months later, in January 2009, I arrived in Swaziland for the first time. God had whispered ‘AFRICA’ in my heart for as long as I could remember and I had decided it was about time I did something about it! On the first day after arriving in Nsoko, we visited a carepoint. As I exited the bus a little girl covered in dirt and sweat and urine literally climbed up my body and wrapped her arms around my neck. She looked into my eyes and as I looked back I became lost in her gaze. I saw a little girl desperate for love and affection. I saw a little girl covered in her own filth and yet she was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I saw a girl beaten down by the hardships of this world but determined to be held up. I saw me. As I held her in the setting African sun, I felt a circle closing around us. “There you are…there you are…” I whispered to her. The very same words the Lord was whispering to me.
God wants to use my family in Swaziland. He had to start with my heart. He showed me how He was setting us apart and calling us out by showing me the blood on the doorframe in the vision I had over five years ago! He knew my heart had been hardened in places, and that I needed something dramatic. He wanted me to pay attention.
A year later, He met me by a lake and with gentle yet firm hands He once again molded and shaped me in a process that felt at the same time painful but full of promise.
Four months later, He began to reveal more details. The place. The people. The purpose. The plan.
Two years later…here we go! The journey continues to unfold for our family as we step into our work in Swaziland. Hearts broken, but beating to the same steady pulse as our Father. Hearts with His fingerprints all over them. Hearts He can use.
“Before they call I will answer, while they are still speaking I will hear.” ~ Isaiah 65:24 NIV
“Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.”
~ Proverbs 4:23 NLT
Oh Jen – I too was at that same retreat 5 years ago also with a very broken heart and I remember your testimony and how I admired you for your bravery! In reading this today I got goosebumps from the Holy Spirit. Oh what an amazing God we serve, what a healing God He is and most of all what a loving God He is! Wonderful words today. Love you girl!
Jen-
What a beautiful story….I remember that retreat….I remember feeling so blessed that you felt safe in sharing your story with us. I know many lives were touched by your openness.
Thank you for sharing with us today too. You have such a wonderful gift of writing!
Blessings to you as you prepare for your next journey…
I love you!
Karla
Wow, Jen, Awesome story! Completely amazing what God is doing in you and in your family! I like reading your blog posts. You have quite a way with words it seems. My best to you, Eric, and the kids.
What a great God we serve. Thanks for sharing and believing.
I Love You, Jen!
Jen – I remember you telling that story at the retreat. You were so strong! God has made you even stronger!
Thanks for sharing this story. So inspiring and beautiful!
Love you!
Awesome story! Thanks for sharing. It makes me start to think…..
love you baby. so glad to see you’re blogging again
Jen:I love you so much. I am so glad you are following God,s call. I am also so thankfull for the time we have had with you all here in our home.It has been a blessing to me!! We are so blessed to hear you pour out your heart.It makes me think about life in a different way! Love Dad
Jen: You laid your warm beating heart on the ‘table’ and in the presence of Christ we all can share in the nourishment of his broken body and shed blood for all who believe on Him for eternal life! It is in brokenness that we see his fullness and grace! You are a precious sister and I am thankful how Jesus Christ reached down and spoke to you of his love and peace. You answered that call, you listened and your testimony is a blessing for us all! I will continue to lift you up in prayer…as well as Eric, Claire, and Jacob. In Christ, greg
Jen, thank you for your honest sharing… and letting God shine through every part of your life story, even the painful parts. So excited for you guys to get back to Swazi… 🙂
Jen
Thank you. Thank you for seeking, listening, praying, wrestling, calling out the Name, surrendering, more praying, and then going.
“I’m listening” keeps winnowing through my thoughts as your story sinks in.
Blessings to you & yours,
Allie