Nothing To Say
As our family prepares to return to Swaziland I keep thinking there must be more we could be doing before we leave for two years! Much of the time we have been in the States has been spent seeing family and friends. We have had a few planned events where we were able to share the story of our calling to Swaziland and the details of our ministry in Nsoko, inviting people to join us in this story. God has continued to amaze us and remind us that where He leads…He provides! Now, with just under a month remaining, it seems that we have run out of things to do. With a month left until our departure, it is too early to pack our suitcases. (don’t think we haven’t thought about it!) I have sat down and started countless blogs only to hit the delete button. It seems I have nothing to say. Yet, I know that God doesn’t waste anything. He never gets part way through a task and quits. He is author and finisher, according to Hebrews 12. So, there must be more for us during this waiting time. There must be work He wants accomplished, unfinished business, things still left undone. But what?
I have struggled often during the past 2 1/2 months in finding my purpose in being here. Actually, all four of us have. It seems we no longer fit in to this life. It has become a scratchy, ill-fitting garment. I hesitate even saying that, as I think it comes across as haughty and ungrateful. I don’t mean it in that way.
See this is where I feel like hitting the delete key and closing the laptop…
But I won’t, not today.
I have dealt with depression in the past…this isn’t that. See, when I become depressed I become hopeless. This is far from hopeless…I am full of hope! I know there is more because I have seen it. I have seen joy on the faces of children who have one set of clothes and make their playthings out of trash they pick up out of the dirt. I have seen peace in the eyes of old women who have known nothing but hardship their entire lives, yet they can still sing praises to the Lord. I have seen life in a land of dying, which is hard to wrap your mind around. More disturbing, by far, is seeing death among the living; seeing people starving in a land of plenty. Discontent hearts among wanton extravagance.
Does anyone else feel they are wearing a sweater that no longer keeps them cozy and warm but has become constricting and uncomfortable; a bit tight around the neck?
Do you sometimes find yourself in a room full of people talking and suddenly all you see are their mouths opening and closing, but nothing they say makes sense?
Have all the options and choices and varieties that this culture offers gone from exciting to overwhelming; appealing to sickening?
Am I the only one who feels this way?
What am I going to do about it? What are you going to do about it?
“Why do you seek the living among the dead?” Luke 24:5
Jen-
I’m so glad you didn’t hit “delete”….keep writing, keep praying, keep using your gifts and talents. You are an incredible woman! I love you, my sister!
Karla
I second what Karla said! Love you and praying for you and the rest of the family as you wait to be reunited in Swaziland.
Dearest Jen….
Thank you for sending out such a heartfelt note….and your honesty. You never fail to reveal that. I have heard of that “scratchy discontent” before from others who serve the very poor and then come “home” to decadence. It is mind numbing to say the least what we learn to take for granted. And this is why the label “American” or “Westerner” is kinda insulting…..but this is us….Speaking often with out saying much(yadayadayada).
Thank you for being so ready to go back…..to get dusty and not smell your best all the time. Thank you for wiping away tears and teaching the wealth of our Savior. We love you all and are blessed by your service.
Please keep writing,it’s such a gift. And I’m glad today’s note didn’t turn me into a heap of mush at my work desk like usual.
Liza B
Even when you have “nothing to say” you say it so well. I love reading your posts and find them so thought provoking. Thank you for sharing them with us.