I’m ok.
Every once in awhile I’ll just sit and reflect on how I’m feeling in that exact moment. For awhile now the feeling is usually this nuetral sort of state. I’m neither stressed out and worn down, nor anxious or excited, but simply at peace with who God is, who I am, where I am and where God is taking me.
It’s hard to really put it into words exactly how I’ve been feeling these past couple months. Perhaps it would be better if I compared it to how I was feeling when we first arrived in Nsoko, and then after a few months.
As you might imagine, when we came back to Swaziland for the first time in about 6 months, I was basically stoked. (sorry, but that’s pretty much the only word that describes it(: ) It worked out pretty well in favor of all my excitement too: It was basically one step after another, all leading closer to my beloved Nsoko. First it was the airport, then the plane, then Africa itself, and then the two weeks we spent in Manzini, and finally, Nsoko.
And even after that, there was the excitement of just being here, finally. It was what I had been literally dreaming about for half a year now. I was home. But after the excitement of finally being here, of arriving where I thought to be my true home, sort of wore off, I, and our whole family, sort of settled into this plateau sort of period. There was no ‘one leg closer to Nsoko’, it just was Nsoko.
Although it was a time of little excitement in some respects, it was also a time of nervous anxiety in different ways. We all grew homesick. Mom was very sad. Some days all I wanted was to go home. But then I really thought about going home, and what that would really be like. I thought about how much I would miss everyone here.
I think it would have been easier for me to just long for home totally if I didn’t know what it felt like to be away from Swaziland. As I said, I dreamt about coming back here almost every night I was in the States. I longed to hold the babies I call mine, to look into their faces and rock them to sleep. I know what it feels like to want to do something more than you’ve ever wanted anything in the world. And that was that I wanted to go home.
So, you see, if this hadn’t been so, if I didn’t know exactly what it was like to not be here, all I would have wanted in those plateau sort of months would have been to go home. Becuase that’s where half of my heart lay, and lies. The fact that half of it still remains grounded firmly here made it even harder.
It was hard in those months. Some days I would just sit and cry. I will admit that I was angry at God. Even though I know that is the complete wrong emotion to ever feel. I was angry at him for calling me here. Because, truly, there will always be somewhere I want to be. If I’m here, or in America, I’ll want to be the other place.
Slowly, we got back on our feet. Some of you reading this are I’m sure from Beechwood, and know Jim and Lisa Luyk. If you don’t, they are just about the sweetest two people you could ever imagine. Anyway, one week in June, they came to visit us here in Swazi. Our visit with them was amazing. If you read my blog ‘United For the War’ the visitors from the States I talked about were them. In that blog I also explained how after this visit, which was wonderful while it lasted, our family took a turn for the worst again. It was so hard to say goodbye, and we were all quietly fighting feelings of bitterness and doubt in the following weeks.
Thankfully, that isn’t the end of the story. God wasn’t finished yet (and I PRAISE him that he STILL isn’t 🙂 ). That was June. July was crazy team month, as I am going to call it. At one time we had three teams on the ground at once. One of 30, and two of 15. Basically everyday Dad, and Mom and Jake and I sometimes as well, were running around, driving teams around, helping them with ministry stuff, etc. Now, don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love teams, but it’s insane. So at that point we were all in this sort of numb state. I was anyway.
Teams died down and August and September arrived. Right then we were all anticipating the arrival of my Grandma and Grandpa Baker, Mom’s parents, who came on the 16th of Sept. Having them here, just like having Jim and Lisa was here, was really, really great. But all through the visit I had in the back of my mind the fear, that when they left, it was going to be like when Jim and Lisa left, we were all going to be just really, really sad.
I prayed and prayed that this wouldn’t happen. And God pulled through. It shouldn’t surprise us when God answers our prayers, but it does, doesn’t it? Each time He works a miracle in our favor, whether it be big or small, us of little faith are continually amazed by his faithfulness.
When my Grandma and Grandpa left, initially, I was pretty sad, naturally, but after a few days, I was ok. And I am ok. God has filled me with this peace, this overwhelming peace like nothing I’ve ever felt. It’s like, ok. Yeah. I’m ok. I don’t have to feel anxious about anything, because God’s got me. He’s got me right in his arms. And if I’m there, what do I have to be afraid of?
What an amazing family you have, Jen! I’m sure you are very proud! I’m so glad that things are more up than down lately….GOD is GOOD! Love and hugs to all of you!
Jen & Family,
Once again, fighting back the tears for a beautiful expression of God’s love in the life of the Peterson’s. It was great to hear your voices last Thursday night, but even more amazing to read this blog. Keep the faith and know that your Beechwood family loves & admires you.
Love to All,
The Fergus’
I’m so very glad you feel that peace you speak of. That, sweet girl, is a true gift. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and your feelings. I love and miss you.
Jen/Clare,
Thanks so much for sharing!
It struck me as very honest and open. And I suspect the way many missionary people feel early in their stay. It seems like you are all maturing mightily in your faith and God is blessing you with additional peace about being there.
Consider yourselves “hugged”
Blessings, Duane
As always, I love you and miss you! And I’m so glad to hear of God’s continued faithfulness in your lives. You are thought of and prayed over each day, and we are so happy to be a part of your ministry!! I hope we can connect via skype soon.
Your sister and proud Aunt!,
Lisa
Dear Jen & Clare,
Clare,are you sure you’re not really a 40 yr. old
woman hiding in a teen’s body. One rarely hears that
kind of wisdom in any one,much less someone your age.
I thank God for the wonderfu faith he has given you.
You are a role model for us all. Would that my 52,50
& 45yr. olds had such faith & wisdom.
Jen you & Eric sure did something right!
Lots of Love,
Dawn H.
This is so great to read. And to know you guys are just about on que in your missionary journey marking 3 month and 6 month watersheds. What wisdom you have to share with those who follow after.
The good seasons are there to enjoy and praise the Lord for as well give you better foundation to persevere through the coming rivers your will inevitable cross.
Thanks for hanging in there and getting through that dark season – praise the Lord for His everlasting love and faithfulness!
So happy to hear about your struggles and how God has been there all the time strengthening you for the day to day struggles. You are speaking for many people even here in Holland that struggle with God’s will for their lives. You speak so eloquently about it….thanks for your honesty.
One of my friends wisely said, “If you ACT enthusiastic, you will BE enthusiastic.” I’ve tried it and it does work…along with prayer and being in His word.
It was great to hear your voices at our mission night! At 2 in the morning you were probably happy we couldn’t see you. We will pray for your perseverance and for wisdom in the coming months. We pray that God will daily reveal how you are being a blessing to those dear people…He has you there for lots of reasons. Be encouraged!
Claire & Jen: We read Claire’s blog earlier and are so happy and proud of where you all seem to be right now!!Should we expect anything less from our AWSOME GOD!!!
You know how proud we are of you Claire & Jake , and blessed to have you, Jen in our family. Love and miss you more then you know.
Jen & Eric –
It’s pretty cool to know you have kids who just “get it”, isn’t it? I wanted tell you publicly (well as publicly as a blog comment can be anyway) how impressed I’ve been with Claire and Jacob. I saw it when you visited New Hope last winter and again when we got to be with your family on several occasions this summer in Nsoko. While they are still siblings with all that entails, they clearly care for each other and aren’t too self conscious to show it.
Enjoy – they grow up all too fast!
–Jay
Jen/Claire–
What amazing words to describe what God is doing in your lives. I am so proud to be your Sister-in-law and Aunt! We love and miss you and are so thankful for what God is doing in both of your lives!
Wow…this beautiful young woman, Claire, is mature above her years. I had tears streaming down my face as I read her words..she has certainly captured the feelings she was experiencing and it is wonderful to see her faith written in every word. God Bless the whole family.
Wow! I am so pleased that you are finding peace! Anna, Grace and I were at the Mission dinner the other night and we enjoyed hearing your voices! Our hearts reach out toward yours. Please know that we are loving you and caring for you even tho we are not near. If you have access to youtube, here is a song/video that I hope you have the ability to watch. It is called “Blessings” by Laura Story.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CSVqHcdhXQ
Lots of love! Tam
AWESOME! I think “stoked” is about all I can come up with for what I just read. I’m stoked for you guys as a family, stoked for how God is leading and growing the kids, and stoked that we get to be apart of the journey. Ai,babe!!
Like mother, like daughter! How wonderful.
So glad things are getting better for you guys! Claire, amazing writing and maturity coming through… thank you for sharing your heart with us. Praying for you all!!!
Happy God is present in your lives and helping you through the touch times. Jen and Claire, you both do such a beautiful job of expressing your feelings and your love for the people you are ministering to. I keep you in my prayers and send you my love.
Praying for you guys every day and so glad you are all “okay”…actually, you are more than okay, you are victors thru the gracious mercy and provision of our Faithful Father!
Can’t wait to meet you face to face in just three months,
Elysa